How to Avoid Serving a Side of Strife

As we near the holidays, many of us will be gathering with family and friends. While family ties run deep, so do family opinions and sometimes those opinions can spoil a dinner faster than a turkey can gobble. So today, I want to remind you of a timely wisdom principle that will keep you from dishing up strife.

“By pride comes nothing but strife, but with the well-advised is wisdom.” Proverbs 13:10

Let’s apply this to conflict that involves a disagreement of opinions or expectations:

Differing opinions alone are not a recipe for strife. It’s what we bring to the table with those opinions that causes strife and family fall-out. Even a dash of pride folded into our well-meaning opinion can simmer into a pot of steaming strife. Pride brings strife. The converse side of this verse is being “well-advised”—taking counsel. Are you open to the counsel and thoughts of others? Pride really isn’t open to this idea. Pride is self focused. It only sees one side of the coin. The well-advised person is open to consider the thoughts and expectations of others. Pride demands to be understood without offering to understand. Pride wants others to validate their opinions and expectations while belittling or dismissing the opinions and expectations of others. Wisdom, on the other hand, is humble and seeks to be well-advised in conflicting situations. Instead of fortifying your stance with pride, walk around the situation or topic trying to see it from all angles. Exploring these angles allows you to be well-advised to all the facts and perceptions, thoughts and expectations. Being well-advised gives you a clearer picture. It can clear up misunderstandings, or it can just give you insight into the heart of another person—a person you are called to love. 

Unfortunately, pride insists that in order to be validated, everyone must agree—with me, of course. Truth is, my thoughts and expectations may be legitimate, but I don’t need the validation of others to have those legitimate thoughts and expectations. There is also the great possibility that both sides of the coin have valid and legitimate thoughts and expectations even though they conflict at some level. If we can train ourselves to put our pride away and walk around the subject to understand both sides of thinking, we can be well-advised and take counsel for a solution. Sometimes that solution is to agree to disagree. Pride insists on being validated. Wisdom stands on its own value.

Let’s apply the verse to conflict that involves disagreement on unchangeable truth:

Truth is truth. It cannot be changed even if someone disagrees with it. You and I, my friend, are to speak the truth and to defend the truth, but we are not commissioned to force someone to believe the truth. My pride wants to validate my belief, but the truth doesn’t need me to coerce another’s validation. My pride craves their validation because it wants to be right—the one waving the victor’s flag. Pride tricks me into believing that I need their confession and validation in order to be right and in order to win. It’s not about winning. Stop looking for validation through the agreement of others. Truth needs no validation. Pride demands validation. Remove the desire for validation and you stifle the curse of pride. It’s not your job to strong arm anyone into believing the truth. Peel that layer of pride from your defense of truth. Defend truth in a peaceable and gentle fashion that compassionately compels the hearer to consider it. That’s what Jesus did. Jesus didn’t chase down the rich, young ruler and insist that he believe the truth, nor did He shun him in disdain. He expressed compassion on him, and then He let him go. It is incredibly sad when people are blinded by lies or misconceptions, but my prideful disdain of their error will do nothing to draw them to the truth. Do you know why? Because pride brings nothing but strife.

Is the application of this verse a promise that holiday dinners with family will be as sweet and creamy as whipped cream and pumpkin pie? Sorry. Nothing can promise that. It’s not your job to keep peace for everyone. You are responsible to offer peace through your humble and gentle approach. “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12:18. You can offer peace from your spot at the table by removing your pride and being well-advised. Hold fast to the truth, and don’t deny your legitimate thoughts and expectations. Just be well-advised and humble.

This truth layers seamlessly with James 3:13-17 “Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.”

So live in the wisdom from above. Check your pride at the door, pass the turkey, and give thanks to God for His Word that inspires and challenges us to thrive and shine for His glory!